Category: inner demons

The Deaf, Blind and Mute

 

Love is blindness. And blinding.

How far will you go for a glance? How far would you go to hear a voice?

People are not mad. Love is what drives them mad.

Loving another more than you love yourself is what drives you up the wall. Unless you love yourself, you wont be able to love another, is this old legend that no one understands or comprehends. Do any one us love ourselves? Are we concerned about not hurting our feelings as much as we are about hurting another’s? Not really!

Love, lust and more is what drives each one of us. We are selfish only to the extent of getting what we want and then we are done. It all loses its charm once we have acquired the subject of our desires. Marriage, a relationship, a job, a new house or any gadget. Its all about possessions and territories. Owning some one or some thing. So what becomes of our self owning us? I doubt I ever thought about all the redeeming qualities I have, its mostly about how to get better and how to get a lil bit more, every day, every where. Wanting more is no crime. But not knowing or accepting all that you already have is.

Count your blessings. Be grateful. Stop losing yourself in the name of the game. Love is a beautiful emotion. It engulfs one; so blinding is its halo, that you don’t see the horns. It isn’t love that is to be blamed, as it usually is in all laments, sad songs; it isn’t even the ‘beloved’ that doesn’t want you or moves on to the next big thing. It is YOU. If you knew how to love yourself, how to respect you, how to accept and adore your good, bad and uglies, you would be on cloud number 9. You wouldn’t need a man or a woman to tell you how significant you are, how much of a difference your existence makes in their life, how badly your absence affects them. You would know who you are and who you aren’t. You would be exactly where you want and surprisingly, VERY happy!

I don’t know why no one talks about or sings about loving me! Its the best feeling in the world, very refreshing and liberating. Everyone learns it eventually, some the hard way, others when its too late and half their lives have passed them by. A mid life crisis is not really a crisis, its when you actually stop to think of smelling the roses and take a good hard look at yourself and say ‘this is not me, or who I want to be’. I love how people do that! Take a giant leap into the abyss and emerge knowing a lot more from the darkness than they ever did from the blinding lights they surrounded themselves with.

Forget loving thy neighbor for a few days.

Try loving you.

Let me know if that helps or hinders your quest for the happiness legend! 🙂  

 

a sad affair

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Truth is stranger than fiction.

What precisely is an addiction?

Is it neurotic or tactile?

Is it dependence or freedom?

Is it elation or disintegration?

Is escape probable or futile?

Is it truly such a debacle?

Or perhaps the path to a MUCH BETTER tomorrow?

It is what ever you make it.

Grief or Bliss?

Its all up to you, Miss!

Forgiving: An art or a science?

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A very intimidating, exceptionally smart man once told me, “it is far easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.”

I did what he said. It is much more difficult to cajole people and convince them to let you do something or get them to do something. I learned it the hard way. It took months of emailing to get approval. It takes weeks of planning the exact moments and words to use to get mom to say yes, and then there are times when all is what you thought would be perfect, still, it bombs, big time.

There is no ‘perfect’ timing, place or manner.

It’s not luck.

It’s not science.

It’s not an art.

It is a mystery, almost impossible to unravel. Even a 6 year old may not forgive you for what you said or did, if it affects him too deeply or bleeds where you cut, accidentally or otherwise. It may be something you may find trivial that holds tantamount significance for another.

Saying that you don’t need or want or have.

Not paying attention.

Or maybe even deleting from your friend list..

What is it that makes it a task to forgive? Is it your ego? Is it the fear of being hurt again? Is it too big for you?

And then there are those that forgive and forget so very swiftly. Trust blindly. Get duped infinitely. And still believe in the human race. Hopeless romantics, they are. Does the world love taking advantage of them? Or do they let themselves be played?

It takes generosity, patience and kindness to forgive. Or perhaps, sheer stupidity. But forgive, we must. Or we shall never move on. Forgiving is mandatory for our survival in the race.

Going to great lengths to harm ones who harmed you will get you nothing and nowhere. It is a useless activity that only serves to sink you deeper in the quicksand of hatred, vengeance and a darkness that doesn’t dwell in you, but ends up engulfing you for too long.

An art or a science, it is what you must. Be a man. Let go. Succumb to a higher power instead. And pray. That He forgives you for hardening against another.

Shudder and beg for His forgiveness, night and day. Pray for help. Pray for sanity. Pray for hope. Pray for love.

And wait for the answer.

“Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error [2:286]” –  —  Quran

Never say never

Friends are important. They are like the light in a dark dark night and help you survive the worst of storms. They are the rock that you need, the wind that you breathe when you are asphyxiating in the smog of the universe.

I had a friend.

Yup, had.

I don’t have her no more.

She stood by me for years. When people ridiculed me, bullied me, harassed me; when I was the happiest I had ever been; when I became a mother; when my life crumbled; when I tried to put the pieces back together, she was there with the sticky tape. I don’t understand how it all just ended. A boy who was my dearest of friends wanted her to be his forever. She was ecstatic. She had got what she had dreamed of for a long long time. We were the perfect family. Me, with my child, him, as a brother I had missed for years and needed the most then, and she, his love. How did it become so intensely twisted and messed up, is still a mystery. She asked the both of us to choose between our friendship and her. Translated, I could be HER friend and not talk to him, he could be HER guy and not correspond with me. ‘I don’t know how to share him, don’t you get it?!’ was the last sentence she spoke to me. He was torn. We couldn’t reason with her. I knew this wasn’t what bothered her. She didn’t trust him. Or me. It was a nagging doubt in her head, that stuck like a leech, sucking the happiness out of our trio.

I just disappeared from their lives.

She begged me not to go. To be hers like before. I just couldn’t. There was no ‘us’ anymore.

Did I do the right thing?

I left her when she most needed me, it was the beginning of the most crucial, new role in her life.. She was scared, terrified, actually, and perhaps it was all those ridiculous fears that made her act in such a foolhardy manner… ‘cus it certainly wasn’t the Nazi I knew… I failed to see her helplessness. Her voice screamed don’t go, but I thought I was giving them the space that they need. I see Ryan often near his place and each time he tells me to take care and his eyes plead me to come back. Or perhaps, its what I want from him, and its my imagination or desire..

Why do I suddenly remember her? Its the Death by Chocolate’s fault. A complete chocoholic, she was, she couldn’t get by without her Mars bars and her snickers and her Hershey’s chocolate sauce that was slathered all over her pancakes or her After 8s or Nutella sandwiches; she had a knack for throwing amazingly yummy parties which introduced us to fantastic food. The fun we had the insanity that ensued when we were together, when we became the college girls that we were, is just inexplicable. Not a day goes by when I don’t miss her. Its been a year already. I wish her on her birthday, she sends me the obligatory season’s greeting text. I know I can’t find another like her. Why DID I not turn back? Why DID I never look at her? Why DID I not forgive her?

I couldn’t deal with her crisis. I took the coward’s way out. I just walked out without even trying. She was all I had. All I needed. More than I could ask for. Why can’t we help when other’s need us? While we expect them to be there for us no matter what? I never see her again. Not even a chance meeting in a mall or a deli.. I don’t know how to be without her. I can’t find a replacement for my girlfriend.  I don’t want anyone other than her. She raised the bar too high.

Will we ever meet again? Will we be the same? Will we forgive? Will we forget? Has she moved on? Time will tell. The Lord has an amazing sense of humor, my friend, he giveth when you least expect. My phone is always switched on, my door bell awaits you. I just don’t know how to pick it up and dial your number. Or drive and ring yours..