Never say never

Friends are important. They are like the light in a dark dark night and help you survive the worst of storms. They are the rock that you need, the wind that you breathe when you are asphyxiating in the smog of the universe.

I had a friend.

Yup, had.

I don’t have her no more.

She stood by me for years. When people ridiculed me, bullied me, harassed me; when I was the happiest I had ever been; when I became a mother; when my life crumbled; when I tried to put the pieces back together, she was there with the sticky tape. I don’t understand how it all just ended. A boy who was my dearest of friends wanted her to be his forever. She was ecstatic. She had got what she had dreamed of for a long long time. We were the perfect family. Me, with my child, him, as a brother I had missed for years and needed the most then, and she, his love. How did it become so intensely twisted and messed up, is still a mystery. She asked the both of us to choose between our friendship and her. Translated, I could be HER friend and not talk to him, he could be HER guy and not correspond with me. ‘I don’t know how to share him, don’t you get it?!’ was the last sentence she spoke to me. He was torn. We couldn’t reason with her. I knew this wasn’t what bothered her. She didn’t trust him. Or me. It was a nagging doubt in her head, that stuck like a leech, sucking the happiness out of our trio.

I just disappeared from their lives.

She begged me not to go. To be hers like before. I just couldn’t. There was no ‘us’ anymore.

Did I do the right thing?

I left her when she most needed me, it was the beginning of the most crucial, new role in her life.. She was scared, terrified, actually, and perhaps it was all those ridiculous fears that made her act in such a foolhardy manner… ‘cus it certainly wasn’t the Nazi I knew… I failed to see her helplessness. Her voice screamed don’t go, but I thought I was giving them the space that they need. I see Ryan often near his place and each time he tells me to take care and his eyes plead me to come back. Or perhaps, its what I want from him, and its my imagination or desire..

Why do I suddenly remember her? Its the Death by Chocolate’s fault. A complete chocoholic, she was, she couldn’t get by without her Mars bars and her snickers and her Hershey’s chocolate sauce that was slathered all over her pancakes or her After 8s or Nutella sandwiches; she had a knack for throwing amazingly yummy parties which introduced us to fantastic food. The fun we had the insanity that ensued when we were together, when we became the college girls that we were, is just inexplicable. Not a day goes by when I don’t miss her. Its been a year already. I wish her on her birthday, she sends me the obligatory season’s greeting text. I know I can’t find another like her. Why DID I not turn back? Why DID I never look at her? Why DID I not forgive her?

I couldn’t deal with her crisis. I took the coward’s way out. I just walked out without even trying. She was all I had. All I needed. More than I could ask for. Why can’t we help when other’s need us? While we expect them to be there for us no matter what? I never see her again. Not even a chance meeting in a mall or a deli.. I don’t know how to be without her. I can’t find a replacement for my girlfriend.  I don’t want anyone other than her. She raised the bar too high.

Will we ever meet again? Will we be the same? Will we forgive? Will we forget? Has she moved on? Time will tell. The Lord has an amazing sense of humor, my friend, he giveth when you least expect. My phone is always switched on, my door bell awaits you. I just don’t know how to pick it up and dial your number. Or drive and ring yours..

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