Need, Want, Desire

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The Death of Me

Are you not afraid of what you are doing and all that you say to hurt those around you? Is dying your biggest fear? Is the thought of not living or breathing terrifying?

What fate could be worse than never being able to speak or talk or be with
your family, friends, strangers, or any worldly being?

I know of no one who says they are ready to die now, today or even a year from now. Who wants to find out what happens in the Beyond. Do any of the religions tell us that we are immortal? There are re-incarnations but our mortality is a reality that we can’t deny, no matter what. An accident you are a part of, or news of a fatal diagnosis of a colleague/family or even of celebrities gives us chills. It’s so very astounding that  we all know and accept that we will not be around forever but none of us bother about it. We know we are nearing our demise every second, but we seem indifferent to the inevitable.

We know exactly what we are capable of, the callousness, the pain we inflict. The horrors we are for so many.

I know what I did and what I said. To my own offspring, to my ex, to my bff that’s not anymore, to the past and to the future.. I know I broke my own heart, not just yours.

Who can heal the blister that is scratched at again and again. By your parents, your neighbor, your new colleagues. What pleasure do any of us get from tearing another apart? From reminding them of a yesterday they are not in any more – one they have left behind, or are attempting to, day after day.

That is the tragedy of our race. Sadism. We all partake in it. And scoff at those who say otherwise. “I am very considerate of people.” Consideration involves considering. Who stops to think before they blurt? Listen or observe a slight cringe, the flicker of panic in the eyes of the one you are pushing for an answer to your blunt queries. You all notice, you choose to still prod and poke and dig your way around. Move blindly on to listen to what they reveal and what they don’t. Make up your own version of exaggerated horror shows, apocalyptic and devastating. You and I both.

The worst of all humanity is inside us. We are equipped with the ability to choose. What choices do we make? To brazenly ask all that we feel privy to. Marriage, romance, divorce, childlessness, adoption, unemployment. Our curiosity knows no bounds, we are insatiable in our appetite for agony.

Learn to stop or take pause. Go back. To yourself. Who were you an hour ago or 5 years past? Are you the same or have you grown? Do you have the luxury to wait for a moment more? A day? You know it’s inevitable. Your cremation, funeral, final rites. They stare at us in the face, as our hearts pound at each hurriedly braked stop on the road, a tripping in the shower. People collapse in the middle of a meal or a joke, never to eat or laugh or breathe again.

So what or who are you waiting for? No one can save you or change you except you.

Be a better you.

Challenge-Accepted-Barney-Stinson

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

images (2)People don’t happen to recognise me any more.  They look at me twice, do a double take. Amusement or entertainment? More likely annoyance is what I feel. Is it a compliment or an insult? Its neither, perhaps. It is a reality check. Wanting to hide yourself behind grey eyes or green, blond hair, auburn or burgundy could be just a teenage fancy or a need for belonging in a crowd of ‘wannabes’ when all you need is to be you.

I laugh less? I am not so impulsive or irrational or ‘fun’ as I used to be? Not entirely an incorrect observation, my friends and colleagues. Perhaps, I have chosen to be me with the ones who understand who I am and who I am not. It takes a while for us to comprehend that neither Id nor Super Ego can dominate us or our actions. Or maybe, it took me longer than usual. What made me come to this conclusion was the surprising fact that I didn’t sit through an offensive piece of cinema that just seemed to resonate so amazingly with the entire cinema. I refused to allow myself too conform to their lowly standards of art.

I don’t hang out with people that I don’t want to now. There are no obligations. There are no ‘have tos’. It is a decision you make, it is a choice you have.

To accept how someone treats you, to believe how they see you or to get your freak on and leave the room.

Give a piece of your mind, or walk away silently, that’s your call, just don’t give any one in the world walk all over you. Who you are today and how you function is not up for judgement or analysis. We are the product of our trials and only we know what got us here. It is just a matter of time that we find ourselves. In the midst of a crowded cafeteria, an airport terminal, or just staring out the window on your way to work. You will know who you are, only if you give yourself the opportunity to.

Don’t be so critical, love your scars and the wounds that gave them to you. The scars will fade in time, or they may remain on you as reminders of the strength you have.

So today, I am me, the best me that I can be.

 “I like solitude. It is when you truly hear and speak your natural, unadulterated mind, and out comes your most stupid self as well as your most intelligent self. It is when you realize who you are and the extents of the good and the evils which you are capable of.” 
― Criss Jami

The Deaf, Blind and Mute

 

Love is blindness. And blinding.

How far will you go for a glance? How far would you go to hear a voice?

People are not mad. Love is what drives them mad.

Loving another more than you love yourself is what drives you up the wall. Unless you love yourself, you wont be able to love another, is this old legend that no one understands or comprehends. Do any one us love ourselves? Are we concerned about not hurting our feelings as much as we are about hurting another’s? Not really!

Love, lust and more is what drives each one of us. We are selfish only to the extent of getting what we want and then we are done. It all loses its charm once we have acquired the subject of our desires. Marriage, a relationship, a job, a new house or any gadget. Its all about possessions and territories. Owning some one or some thing. So what becomes of our self owning us? I doubt I ever thought about all the redeeming qualities I have, its mostly about how to get better and how to get a lil bit more, every day, every where. Wanting more is no crime. But not knowing or accepting all that you already have is.

Count your blessings. Be grateful. Stop losing yourself in the name of the game. Love is a beautiful emotion. It engulfs one; so blinding is its halo, that you don’t see the horns. It isn’t love that is to be blamed, as it usually is in all laments, sad songs; it isn’t even the ‘beloved’ that doesn’t want you or moves on to the next big thing. It is YOU. If you knew how to love yourself, how to respect you, how to accept and adore your good, bad and uglies, you would be on cloud number 9. You wouldn’t need a man or a woman to tell you how significant you are, how much of a difference your existence makes in their life, how badly your absence affects them. You would know who you are and who you aren’t. You would be exactly where you want and surprisingly, VERY happy!

I don’t know why no one talks about or sings about loving me! Its the best feeling in the world, very refreshing and liberating. Everyone learns it eventually, some the hard way, others when its too late and half their lives have passed them by. A mid life crisis is not really a crisis, its when you actually stop to think of smelling the roses and take a good hard look at yourself and say ‘this is not me, or who I want to be’. I love how people do that! Take a giant leap into the abyss and emerge knowing a lot more from the darkness than they ever did from the blinding lights they surrounded themselves with.

Forget loving thy neighbor for a few days.

Try loving you.

Let me know if that helps or hinders your quest for the happiness legend! 🙂