Looking No More

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Seven days.

It takes five to make a living, take classes or take care of the family and the last two (or are they the first?!), to end the week.

What do you search for every waking hour? What do you dream of every night? Is there a connection between the real and the make believe? The reality is all that you see, breathe, touch and feel. Then what of how you think, and ‘feel’?

Is the pain of a heart break any less than one from a broken toe?

Dreams may seem to be figments of your imagination, but they may be actual clues to what your mind, your brain is telling you when your eyes are wide shut what you don’t let it during the daytime.

Maybe we need to stop wondering what everyone says means or why and how we will make things work. Stop looking and searching outside for what is already within us. Reach out and channel our inner flame and light up the universe with it.

Walk up to yourself and embrace who you are and who may be or may not.

 

All or None

Failure, as I see, is not what breaks us. Neither does its admission. It is the failure to realize that we have failed that does. It takes a big person with an even bigger heart coupled with a very tiny ego to admit that they did not succeed.

From birth, we are taught to win, at school, in a race to prove ourselves better than all around (or maybe even just a few). Being taller, prettier, smarter, bigger, faster, funnier, or any other ‘-er’, a few inches, a few points more. We are raised with the expectations that we will make our family proud by being superior in some way, somehow. Each small victory is celebrated massively and every stumble is dismissed actively. We want to show our children that we love them, but not their ‘faults’, their shortcomings. Coming from a family of over achievers is very trying if you have managed to disappoint in some aspect of your life, be it school, work or love. What we do not see or close our eyes and hearts to, is the spectrum of triumph and how broad it is..

What you may view as a problem, disappointment or mistake, may be a blessing millions pray for each day. The capacity to read, write, look, smell, taste, walk, touch, feel, breathe is desired by someone somewhere. Each moment you live, each breath you take is a celebration of your presence. Whether you lack the ability of sight or the vision of possibilities has deserted you is the question.

Not being able to see is not as tragic as not being able to dream.

Not being someone’s better half than not being half better than who you were yesterday.

Losing or winning the races or by the standards set by the world around, but forgetting your true potential leads you down the path of denial, self destruction and ultimately the greatest loss- the loss of the Real You. Failing at what you really want in life will not derail you or destroy you either. It will strengthen your resolve, solidify your belief in you and fuel a burst of energy toward your passions.

We fail each day. We still keep moving forward. Failing helps us learn. What to avoid, what not to do, and what to try. It brings out creativity and keeps the wheels turning.

Enjoy your disappointment more than your excitement. It will move you to move mountains.

Raise the bar.

Raise you.

i.woman

Who am I?

Mother.

Sister.

Daughter.

Friend.

Colleague.

Neighbor.

Why am I recognized by all the relations that I have and all the people around me? Why am I not an entity alone? Why am I not JUST me? Am I a woman like any other!

Am I the person that people come to for help? Whether its comfort they are looking for when they have a boo boo or a small grammatical error they need amended in their Term Report?

Am I the one who goes to others for the resolution of her trials?

Am I the girl you like to be seen with? The one that all crave to be around, cause unknowingly she has somehow managed to have the right amount of spunk, looks and spontaneity to be the ‘popular’ girl every where she goes. Am I the type that men are mesmerized with but always fail to approach? Am I something you would love to possess but don’t have the courage to be anything but friends with?

Am I the one who scares the crap outta you?

God knows why and what it is that makes me different; that makes me odd, strange, unheard of.

What is it about me that you can’t comprehend? You can’t accept as any other; you can’t bring to love or like or care about!

Is it my fault that I have such strength!

I can’t help what I have been dished out in this world, and how I handle it and try to handle it day after day.

I will fail; I do sometimes. I am weak. I am not invincible. I have my cryptonite.  You only need to know what it is and what time of the day you need to bring it to me for me to fall like a pack of cards when the gust of wind blows in the room.

Remember that Will Smith flick, i robot? About this robot who wasn’t just a Robot? And the recent huge blockbuster X-men where Mystique hadn’t yet found herself? Or Beast?

“You want society to accept you when you haven’t yet accepted yourself.”

Have you learned to? Discovered who you are?

Or are you lost too?

I hate what you have made me become. What you expect from me. I wasn’t born this way. I was made.

I love who I am. I love who I become, despite all you bombard me with. I will continue to fight. I won’t go down quietly into the horizon. I won’t let you get away. I never do. If I can’t win, I won’t lose either. I will die trying.

I am NOT another.

I am ME!

The day I didn’t become a millionaire!

It was an air infested with dragonflies, a refreshing change from the mosquitoes that usually engulfed the shrubbery around our work place. As usual, our driver was late and we were standing irritably awaiting our ride. Seated and on our way back home after a very unusual day of mishaps and excitement, we planned to detour and eat some really disgusting food from the road side vendors, and I was all up for some good food after ingesting some god forsaken haleem from the cafeteria. I leaned back in my seat and settled in to listen to some truly gorgeous music on my Androidy cell phone. After a few minutes, beep! I was mildly irritated by the incoming text, and gave an uninteresting glance at the screen. It was a notification of a credit transaction on my recently opened salary account. I glanced and my eyes popped open. Credited with Rs. 4,319,400! ka-ching!

It had to be a mistake! What if it wasn’t! What if I was just sent all this money? What if I was meant to take it all? It’s a whole lot of money, but how could it be possible! No one even knew my account number. Heck, I didn’t either!

I just ignored the whole episode as an incorrect sms and just concentrated on the food and greasy fries and went home sated with half a liter of pepsi, fell asleep listening to Goo Goo Doll’s Iris and dreaming of a beach walk.

Work was a bitch. I’d gotten most of the work done by lunch and I just felt like I wanted to escape, away from everyone. It was the typical me. I hate familiarity and the drabness of being around the same people, day after day. I have to eat out and get out of the rut that always manages to hound restless souls such as myself. Called up a friend and we all headed out to the land of the crispy fried chicken.

Beep. Another text arrived saying I had debited a small amount and my balance was now Rs. 4.3 mill! Dude, you have gotta be kiddin me!!! Called up the friggin CRO and he went beserk! After a couple of phone calls and a large amount of day dreaming and vacation plans along with a couple of proposals from the craziest guys at work, it turned out that some guy has an exactly similar account number and incredulously identical cell number as well. Everyone was actually mad at me for straightening out the whole mishap. Each person seemed to be feeling like they had just been bestowed with this shitload of money. Everyone was planning what they would do with the money that I would give them.

What was it about that money that exhilarated them? What was it that made each of these individuals alive just to hear of money that didn’t even belong to them? What IS it about money that makes us believe we can get everything? We can win? We can dream again? We can achieve more? Is it money that makes the world go round? And why was I so robotic and calm and unmoved by the possibility of having it all? Cause it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care. Broke or royalty. I have no significance of material objects in my life. Whether I have it or I don’t. I have had it all. It didn’t win me any friends. It still doesn’t; though, it does manage to make foes out of your dearest friends.

I have been through all times. I have had nothing and started from scratch. I won’t preach of the evils of satanic money, no. It is important. It is the need of the times.

But it isn’t everything. 

You don’t realize what is important. You take people and things for granted. You take your life for granted. You will know when it isn’t yours anymore. When someone else comes and swooshes it away or it all just disintegrates into a mist of nothingness. When things will change. When the tables have turned. And you aren’t who you once was. And you won’t be able to bring any of it back.

Cherish what you have now. Don’t dwell in the past. It’s been done. Don’t dream too much of the future, it shall all come in time. Live in today. Build it, nourish it, guard it and everything that’s dear to you. Especially not just what, but who is dear to you.

Because things can come again, but love can’t.

Money matters, but life matters more.

Live like there’s no tomorrow!

I may not have become a millionaire today, but I did live to tell the tale.

Big 5 – Not so BIG anymore!

 

 

Once upon a couple of decades gone past, personality was studied as a means to understanding the human psyche and the maze of inexplicable building that goes on in the minds and hearts of people.

A major discovery after massive researches and studies was designed as the Big 5. The Big 5 Personality Traits, used to describe all personality traits and their realms are:

opennessconscientiousnessextraversionagreeableness, and neuroticism.

Openness refers to the degree of liberality you possess for trying out new things, new ways, new places or people even.

Conscientiousness is your sense of morality coupled with your organizational efficiency towards the self and others.

Extraversion is your capacity, or inability, whichever may be appropriate, to befriend others and how often and quickly you tend to do so.

Agreeableness is your tendency to have positive feelings and/or vibes for other’s approach towards you, and vice versa.

Neuroticism is your susceptibility to feeling down and negative emoting.

How does one rate one’s self according to these big 5ers? And what impact do these have on our persons?

The OCEAN of traits that this theory has endowed us with happens to help us in analysing people around us and ourselves too. But what difference does this analysis make? Are traits enduring at all times or do they alter and submerge and emerge altogether in entirely contrasting  manners? By definition, traits are enduring, but I beg to differ.

I believe I can and have amended my characteristics over the passage of time. Habits and ingrained routine behavior and even innate decision-making routines can be changed, according to needs and through experiences that you go through.

Can a quiet, shy and incredibly introverted soul turn into a social butterfly?

Can a pious, righteous and moral being walk the demonic path?

Can we morph into something that we weren’t born as?

Yes.

Is the metamorphosis beneficial? Should you change?

Ask yourself, are you where you want to be? Are you equipped with the skills and traits that would take you where you wish to be one day?

If not, then how do you need to fix yourself. Find the faults and spaces that need filling and start piecing everything back and evolve into what you should be. It takes guts to unfreeze the way you do things and freeze them into newer and more appropriate mannerisms.

Change or the change shall change you. Be the change that leads you to a greater future.