People don’t happen to recognise me any more. They look at me twice, do a double take. Amusement or entertainment? More likely annoyance is what I feel. Is it a compliment or an insult? Its neither, perhaps. It is a reality check. Wanting to hide yourself behind grey eyes or green, blond hair, auburn or burgundy could be just a teenage fancy or a need for belonging in a crowd of ‘wannabes’ when all you need is to be you.
I laugh less? I am not so impulsive or irrational or ‘fun’ as I used to be? Not entirely an incorrect observation, my friends and colleagues. Perhaps, I have chosen to be me with the ones who understand who I am and who I am not. It takes a while for us to comprehend that neither Id nor Super Ego can dominate us or our actions. Or maybe, it took me longer than usual. What made me come to this conclusion was the surprising fact that I didn’t sit through an offensive piece of cinema that just seemed to resonate so amazingly with the entire cinema. I refused to allow myself too conform to their lowly standards of art.
I don’t hang out with people that I don’t want to now. There are no obligations. There are no ‘have tos’. It is a decision you make, it is a choice you have.
To accept how someone treats you, to believe how they see you or to get your freak on and leave the room.
Give a piece of your mind, or walk away silently, that’s your call, just don’t give any one in the world walk all over you. Who you are today and how you function is not up for judgement or analysis. We are the product of our trials and only we know what got us here. It is just a matter of time that we find ourselves. In the midst of a crowded cafeteria, an airport terminal, or just staring out the window on your way to work. You will know who you are, only if you give yourself the opportunity to.
Don’t be so critical, love your scars and the wounds that gave them to you. The scars will fade in time, or they may remain on you as reminders of the strength you have.
So today, I am me, the best me that I can be.
“I like solitude. It is when you truly hear and speak your natural, unadulterated mind, and out comes your most stupid self as well as your most intelligent self. It is when you realize who you are and the extents of the good and the evils which you are capable of.”
― Criss Jami