Darn it!

I’m stubborn

Not like an ass/ mule that refuses to budge however much you push it it, cajole it, hit it, but like the child that lies down on the floor of the toy store and is dragged by embarrassed parents and doesn’t care whether his pants are dirtied, his mom blushing and helpless!

I can’t help it.

I refuse to listen to reason or rhyme. Don’t bother giving me an explanation, it just won’t make any difference on my stance or my irrationality.

I’m not unlike many. Most people have this streak of ridiculousness. It is SUPPOSED to go away with age and time and experience. I highly doubt that. I have seen the most stoic and rigid traits in grandparents and for lack of a better term, senior citizens. Ironically, I feel quite elderly myself. I mean if you take into account my usual circle of society, I’m almost centennial! It’s not that I mingle with toddlers, nope, it’s perhaps, the lack of real life expertise that’s evident and apparent in their goings-on. I am not wiser than my friends/ foes, by all means. I am worse than them in my inability to make decisions, solve problems, saying no or yes, helping myself, accepting others without judgement. I have just been exposed to some realities that some never do and never will. Is it through any fault of mine?

Yes.

Maybe No.

Does it matter?

It shouldn’t.

Why do we feel that we have the worst lives? Why do we not acknowledge all that we have and not bitch about all we don’t?

Because we are ungrateful beings. I am exceptionally so.

When have I thanked or admitted to anyone around me that they matter or they are needed? Not recently.. I take everything for granted, and in return am dealt with similarly. What you giveth, you get back, no?

I don’t choose to be so rigid and cane-like, I am innately so. My father gave me that. But is it not an age old accepted truth that nature and nurture are equally responsible for our behavior and attitude? Have I nurtured this personality characteristic too? Guarded against changing my ways and been stubborn in my stubborn-ness! Aaahh, epiphany! I see how the ones who love me the most have the funniest look on their faces when I’m in my ‘crank’ed up mood.

I see how difficult I am. I just know not how to change. How not to be so. I need help. I refuse not just your pleas, but also your scoldings. I wait sullenly in a corner rather than coming out and taking your outstretched hand. Maybe you will learn that it’s not my ego, but my fear of the inevitable loneliness that halts my steps each time.

Pull me, drag me, take me with you. Show me how wrong I am. You owe me!

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