It was a quiet morning. Typical twiterry bird chirped as she stepped out of her door. Everything was the same; the heat, the slight breeze, the revving up of the engine; except for her..The look in her eyes, the beating of her heart, the covering on her head, the trembling of her body. That which she couldn’t stop or control .
She was going to end it. Put a final stop to a life that she hadn’t wanted, needed or accepted as her own. She couldn’t believe how she had come this far. Stood this long. Made the mistakes that she had. She had done what she could never even envision in her wildest dreams.
It would all disintegrate.
Utterly, completely, absolutely.
She hadn’t known the enormity of her actions. The reactions that would escalate and keep escalating till it all exploded and ended the universe around her and the family that she knew as her own.
It was just like the movies. And yet so real. People everywhere, cars jammed, and noises like any other time or place that are heard at 9am in the morning. It was sweltering in the July heat and as she waited in an alley near a dilapidated set of buildings, it all seemed surreal. Her body knew not the state of her mind or heart and it perspired and made her wait unbearable. And then the elderly man besides her nodded towards an approaching individual. He looked quite pleasant, sort of a Santa. A very fast approaching middle aged man in a black coat with an old tattered file under his arms and a drawling voice.
“Yes, so this is her “ said the Santa. “How are you , don’t’ worry, it won’t take long. Have you got her ID? And all the documents? And the fees? Well, it isn’t’ what I need but you have to submit to the Registrar.” It all was in a rush as she quickened her pace and followed the two as they hurriedly crossed the busy road and entered the wrought iron gates.
She didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to get that extra ounce of guts to keep going. But she did as was required. It was an out of body experience. It seemed like she was another and the woman in the hijab walking past so may and towards the courts was another. There were stairs, with graffiti and trash sprawling everywhere. All eyes seemed to be boring into her but she felt nothing. It was like part of her had died the moment she had woken up that fated day. A paper was planted in front of her and Santa pointed at the dotted line at the bottom where it said “plaintiff” and she took the cheap blue ball per and blindly signed. Again and again and again.
Her hands trembled and her father saw how his usually confident, cheerful exuberant girl broke down inside but kept walking on. The judge looked at her and asked if this is what she wanted or if she was in her sane mind and not under duress.
Again signing. Another green paper and then it was all over.
Or so she thought.