How much is too much? When should one know to stop? Back off a little? Give someone a break? Space? That is what, at 27, after being in a relationship for over 6 years, and now going through a horrific divorce with him, I have still not managed to figure out.
I have been told to grow up and act my age. What the hell does that mean? How DOES one act their age! Is there a certain decorum one must observe at 5, then 15, then 25 years! I just don’t understand this statement; though I must admit, I myself have used it innumerable times, and that too, on my toddler! Poor kid just looks at me with such a bewildered expression that I realise at once what I have just asked him to do. How come what I have realised, my mother or siblings don’t? I’m not even 27 yet! Its not the end of the world. I came out of hell. I survived the abuse and the anguish and the tears. I tried, till I accepted that it was an exercise in futility. It was just an incompatible relationship. We were worlds apart. His favorite description for my psyche, at the end had been: “You’re a 15 year old in the body of a 25 year old.” Why? Because I choose to look life in the eye and embrace it. Enjoy every minute of it. Laugh. Joke. Even when I am broken inside, I choose not to let a soul see my personal turmoil. What’s the harm in that? Other than the fact that now people say that she’s literally ecstatic at her divorce, no good has come out of it. For anyone, except myself. I smile when I’m not even inclined to get out of bed and go to work. Truth be told, there are days when I just think that it is better to die than live and go on. But its my resilience and the ability to see the positive in everything and everyone that brings me out of my stupor. I am not Gandhi or Buddha. I am just a woman trying to exist. Its a task, believe you me. The sexual innuendos and undertones in conversation or casual chats/ e-mails are what irk me the most. I can’t comprehend how and why it is universally a given that a woman separated from her husband is in dire need of some hard core desperate acts of intimacy. Men that you were ready to trust with your life, say something that you break off all ties with them. Is it our society’s norm to take advantage of an emotionally unstable female? Attempt to tempt her when she’s most vulnerable? Dude, BACK OFF! I don’t want you now and if there were any chances of my ever even considering you as a prospective something in future, you just flushed them down the toilet, alongwith your morales.
I have friends. I make new ones everyday. Amazing women and men who have stood by me. Ones who say they admire my courage when I know I have none. I really don’t. Its just human nature. Keep one foot ahead of the other. Life DOES go on. People come and go. People change. We change too. All the highlighting/coloring in the world can not hide the one stubborn gray strand from showing up in the middle of your perfect hair-do. Accept it. Deal with it. Go with the flow. Hell, KICK ASS! (or arse, as a silly kid recently corrected me) 🙂 Don’t care about the entire western hemisphere and what they are thinking about what you just said or did. Their tongues will never stop wagging. That’s why these celebrity gossip shows and publications sell like hot cakes. And remember you might be the toast of the town one day and the local pariah the next. Just do yourself one huge favor and do what your heart desires. The Idiots did have a point there! Whether its baking a dark chocolate fudge brownie like my best friend, playing the local League cricket or soccer, getting in the naval services, eating pancakes for breakfast, drinking coffee at new year’s sunrise with your 4 month old, or talking all night long with your sweetheart.
Find a reason to live for.
I have mine.